A Story of Identity

Currently our media is rife with stories of bullying and the sometimes devastating consequences. Luckily this has mobilised many people into action and there are now plenty of resources and tools available that can dramatically assist our community to overcome this problem. During the course of my investigations it has become increasingly clear that to not be exposed to bullying in some form or another is almost unheard of. This is an exciting piece of news. In essence, if you are feeling isolated, unwanted, rejected or unworthy I am here to tell you that these emotions are completely misplaced as this is a worldwide phenomenon. There is no aloneness in this problem I can assure you. By default, this tells us that even the most brilliant and successful of our world have to some degree or other been bullied.

But what does this actually mean? Technically, if you are the subject of a bully’s attention or are feeling bullied right now, most of the people you admire and aspire to be like, have been in exactly the same place as you. They have overcome bullyingbecause of how they chose to feel about being targeted. They did not take it personally and fall into sadness and despair, what they did do is notice that this world provides us with all kinds of experiences and that we can only measure ourselves by our ability to respond effectively to the challenges that face us, not by the mere fact that they exist.

To help in breaking down the pattern of bullying and understanding it further, here are 5 key common myths:

1. Myth – Strong People are Bullies

Truth - In order for a person to demonstrate the need to dominate another person, they must first experience a sense of lack within themselves. A bully by definition experiences themselves as ‘less than’ and uses bullying as a means of increasing their sense of self worth by overpowering or overwhelming another.

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will – Mahatma Gandhi.

2.   Myth – Weak People Attract Bullying

Truth – The irony is that abusers (or bullies) are often attracted to people who possess the very qualities they lack. You could actually feel flattered that you are such a sort-after commodity whilst bearing in mind that you have a multitude of resources and choices at your finger tips to turn the situation around.

The strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home – Confucius Continue reading “The Myth-tery of Bullying – Karen Clarke” »

I saw Karate Kid this week with my children; Jackie Chan was marvelous as usual, as was Jaden Smith. Apart from being very entertaining however, the movie does serve to remind us that bullying is an international and cross cultural problem. I struggled to understand bullying as a child and I suppose part of me imagined that our world would eventually see it for what it is and decide to do more life enhancing practices, but disappointingly it is still undeniably present in schools, workplaces, politics both national and international, within relationships and across societies and cultures.

We witness many instances in schools, we also witness managers intimidate staff, staff intimidate managers, parents bully their own children, sports coaches bully protégés, husbands and wives bully each other, siblings bully siblings, corporations bully governments, governments bully well, just about everybody, countries bully countries, and the USA perhaps has a little room for improvement?

We should meet abuse by forbearance. Human nature is so constituted that if we take absolutely no notice of anger or abuse, the person indulging in it will soon weary of it and stop – Mahatma Gandhi

On the face of it there are two sides to the story. The bully and the victim or more commonly, the ‘good guy’ and the ‘bad guy’. It is easy to determine; a bully is someone who imposes themselves on the space of the victim and demands something, or behaves in an intimidating or threatening manner and the victim is the person/organization/country etc. on which the bully  inflicts their behavior . The victim’s response is often determined by whether their fight response or the flight response is triggered. If the bully has accurately assessed their target; and trust me they do shop around for the perfect candidate, it will generally be a person/organization etc. who predominantly prefers the flight response as a primary means of resolving conflict.

As a general rule in our western culture, bullying is honoured and glorified through the medium of television and movies. Given the content of an average Saturday night’s programmes we appear to be quite comfortable viewing acts of violence and dominance. It is ironic that we are happy to watch people kill and maim each other for entertainment and yet still wonder at the violence and aggression demonstrated in our world.

But I digress, what is less obvious is that in order for a bully to feel compelled to action, they must first feel threatened or inadequate in some way and interestingly enough, this is not always by the person they are intimidating. The mere fact that they use aggressive or dominant behaviour to gain significance, by default shows that they are feeling a sense of fear, lack or weakness. The mistake they make is the belief that making someone else feel small will increase their own sense of personal power. What they actually find from the aggressive behaviour is a momentary distraction from their internal discomfort but then their own pain is immediately increased as a result of causing suffering to another person. They are of course totally oblivious to this pattern and it remains deeply embedded in the unconscious. This is demonstrated in the same way whether it be in school yards, marriages, relationships, politics or the business and corporate sectors.

In relation to bullying, it perhaps serves our purpose better to ask the question; Who is the real victim? Continue reading “Bully for you – Karen Clarke” »