A Story of Identity

You can find more great posts at Body Bliss Central

This started as a post about why I will never diet again, and it’s not quite where it ended up, I guess I needed to say this…

I’m not sure how to start this post actually, there’s so much going on in my head.

I’m a big fan and advocate of Health At Every Size (HAES) and I have previously reviewed Linda Bacon’s HAES book.

As a quick reminder, the HAES principles are:

1. Accept and respecting the diversity of body shapes and sizes.
2. Recognise that health and well-being are multi-dimensional and that they include physical, social, spiritual, occupational, emotional, and intellectual aspects.
3. Promote all aspects of health and well-being for people of all sizes.
4. Promote eating in a manner which balances individual nutritional needs, hunger, satiety, appetite, and pleasure.
5. Promote individually appropriate, enjoyable, life-enhancing physical activity, rather than exercise that is focused on a goal of weight loss.

Every part of my clinical practice, ebooks and programs have HAES in mind, because I truly believe we’ve been duped by the weight loss industry to accept as true the idea that thin = healthy.

So, the first step in stopping dieting for me was unhooking from the notion that to be healthy I also had to be thin. I’m a former thin girl who through accident and ill health and lots and lots of dieting, became a larger girl.

And it took me about 25 years to stop dieting, to give up “the dream of being thin”.

To give up that dream, I had to both accept that thin is not necessarily healthy, and ‘fat’ does not necessarily mean ill-health.

I also had to beef up my self-esteem so that I could get to the point where I knew, like I knew how to breathe, that being thin did not define me as a woman. And that was really tough, because all around us in this world is the message that thin=healthy, and to be a worthy person we must care about our health. If we’re not ‘ideally’ thin then the fact that we don’t care about our health is visible for all to see.

And that’s nasty. If you’ve ever experienced the looks of disdain and even outright disgust that thin people give to those who are not thin, then you know how painful it is. Thing is, I felt that people were looking at me with ‘that’ look even when I was very thin – Australian size 9 I’m talking. And that’s only because of how I felt about myself. My clients have reported many many times how ashamed they feel under the gaze of thin people, even when those clients are of average or slightly-above size, or even very thin.

I’m ashamed to say that when I was size very-thin I also looked at bigger people with those thoughts in my head, and probably that look on my face. So it’s way past time I said ….

For every look I’ve ever given anyone who lives in a larger body, that is judging or condemning, I’m sorry.

For every thought I’ve had about you being too lazy to move your big body, I’m sorry.

For every time I’ve ever looked at you eating anything and thought “you shouldn’t be eating that”, I’m sorry.

For every time I’ve looked at you wearing anything other than a big tent-shaped thing and thought “you shouldn’t be wearing that”, I’m sorry.

For every time I’ve joined in a body snarking conversation, I’m sorry.

For every time I’ve looked at my own body with vicious judgement, I’m sorry

For every time I’ve felt bitter disappointment when I’ve looked at my own body, I’m sorry.

For every bite of food-like substance wrapped up in weight-loss marketing that I’ve ever put into my mouth, I’m sorry.

For every book and magazine I’ve pored over to try to learn the great new trick to finally lose the weight, I’m sorry.

For every calorie I’ve counted, carb I’ve measured, and protein I’ve weighed, I’m sorry.

For every time I’ve felt virtuous, worthy, and ‘in control’ when I started a new diet, I’m sorry.

For every time I’ve felt like a failure, worthless, and an out-of-control loser when I ‘fell off’ the diet, I’m sorry.

For every weigh-in, lecture, and after-meeting sugary binge, I’m sorry.

For every time I’ve stuffed down emotions with food, instead of dealing honestly with myself, I’m sorry.

For every time I’ve felt virtuous and worthy when the number on the scales was what I thought it “should” be, I’m sorry.

For every time I’ve stepped into my day feeling ashamed because the number on the scales was not what I thought it should be, I’m sorry.

For every time I’ve worn clothes that cut into my body but my vanity about the size label won out over my body’s needs, I’m sorry.

For every time I’ve left a change room depressed and disappointed in myself because I judged my body as looking bad in (or out) of clothing, I’m sorry. Continue reading “Turns Out, I’m Sorry… by Sandy – Body Bliss Central” »