A Story of Identity

A post from Leonie Leavin’ the big smoke

Who are you? Are you that person all the time? Who are you on the inside? Who are you on the outside? Are you the same person with everyone in your life? Are you the same person in private as in public?

The answer for me, and I’ll make a broad sweeping assumption (even thought I said I wouldn’t!)… for most of us is no. I’m not always the same person. I’m different from moment to moment. And given that there is no consistency to who I am, I am nobody. But also anybody. There has been so much written about the subject of Identity, from many different angles. It’s a biggie…

From a Yoga perspective there is the concept of unity versus duality. There is no such thing as separateness. We are all part of the same thing. There is no you or me. The So Ham mantra is a Yoga cornerstone. It means “I am that, That I am”.

Murray Bail by Fred Williams

From the aspect of literary theory there is the idea of the “I” that writes versus the “I that is written”. Murray Bail, a wonderful Australian writer explores this concept in many of his short stories; The relationship between language and reality.

This is a HUGE topic, and one that I won’t try and do full justice to. Instead I’ll take a little bite out of the elephant and be content with discussing that bit…

…The happening in my life that lead me to want to write about this was realising that I am known as two different people depending on how well you know me.

I was chatting to a friend last night and she mentioned that her husband is ‘Tony’ at work and ‘Anthony’ at home. So there’s Work-Tony and Home-Anthony. And I just realised it is the same for me. I am Leonie to work contacts and acquaintances but ‘Loni’ to family and close friends.

The particular friend I was talking to still knows me as ‘Leonie’. She’s a relatively new friend but definitely part of my inner sanctum. We were walking on the beach during this conversation… I stopped abruptly and told her it was time to call me “Loni”!

Do you have a nickname? Do you ever have to go through the process of asking someone to call you something different? It feels kind of unnatural, but then also unnatural for a close friend to still call you by your formal name.

The older I get, the more I want to be knows as Loni and not Leonie. And the more I will request to be called that.

Pink Peone Roses

However sometimes it is nice to be known as ‘Leonie’… With an Australian accent it sounds kind of harsh and nasally but in most European accents it sounds much prettier. Like Peone (with an ‘L’ instead of a ‘P’) as in Peone Rose… So if you have a European accent you can call me Leonie!

The other day my Hungarian Yoga teacher asked me the origin of my name. He wondered if it was french. I just went along with it and said “yes, I think so”!! Haha, what a fraud I am! (I am a sixth generation child of pastoral settlers.)

Isn’t it interesting how we construct our identities.

So anyway back to my point. Generally speaking when I’m “Leonie” (unless it is “Leonie” said with a pretty European accent) I am formal Leonie, professional Leonie, acquaintance Leonie. I’m a little reserved, I’m predictable and dependable. I’m strong and independent. I’m probably a caricature. But of what?

When I’m Loni I’m relaxed, creative, emotional, affectionate and vulnerable. I like the sound of those qualities more than “reserved, predictable, dependable”. Blah, how bland.

But is it appropriate to be an open book to anyone and everyone? If I introduced myself as Loni to a new client for example would that be appropriate? Have I just built up unnecessary constraints and separateness that keep me in the world of duality? Does it matter what I call myself? Is that in essence creating separateness? Is there really such a thing as ‘Identity’? Or is it all egotistical self obsession?

Or perhaps this post is a total waste of time since the “I” that writes might be vastly different to the “I” on this page.

“I”! Who the bloody hell are you?

We get so obsessed with defining ourselves. Maybe we should just give ourselves the freedom of being nothing and everything.

You can call me Loni.

My name is Kama, without an r. I haven’t changed my name, I was given this name at birth. When I was younger Kama was a really unusual name and people would always ask me twice to repeat my name and spell it. This meant that people often remembered my name and the spelling. As a  teenager this wasn’t always an advantage as I was remembered each time I would get in to trouble at school.

In recent years there has been a new growth of people interested in Buddhism and as a result the work Karma has become popular. So in the past few years it has been assumed that my name is Karma. Even people who have known me for years have a tendency to put an r in my name. I always say without an r, however it is seldom that anyone really understands what I mean by that as they are not familiar with the name Kama without an r. I don’t mind, I just find it interesting.

So today I thought I would share with you the difference between the meanings of the two words Karma & Kama.

Karma (+r) = Karma is a big topic so we can’t possibly cover it in this posting so here is a brief definitions from Wikipedia. ”Karma means “deed” or “act” and more broadly names the universal principle of cause and effect, action and reaction, that governs all life. The effects experienced are also able to be mitigated by actions and are not necessarily fated. That is to say, a particular action now is not binding to some particular, pre-determined future experience or reaction; it is not a simple, one-to-one correspondence of reward or punishment.”

Kama (-r) =  Kama comes from the Sanskrit word meaning “love”. It is a name of Lord Vishnu. Also name of the son of the goddess Lakshmi; he is the god of love and passion.

As you can see they have totally different meanings. Kama was given to me with love. My parents gave me a name which means love, which really is quite a beautiful thing to do.

Although I am not in any way offended by people using the name Karma when writing my name or referring to me, I do believe that the word Karma  is quite a powerful one and, not something I would want people to believe I have called myself.

Thank you for reading about the differences and I hope this helps to clarify my name, which is Kama, a name I am very happy to carry.

Continue reading “The difference between Karma +r & Kama -r” »

Have you noticed that we often refer to ourselves by labels. We often refer to ourselves by our position in the family, Mum, Dad, Son, Daughter, Wife, Husband, Sister, brother. Or we refer to ourselves by our job title, Doctor, Teacher, Designer, Nurse, you get the picture.

Sometimes we use our labels so much that we forget who we really are. We start to identify with the role of the label or labels we use. For example someone in the same job for 20 years can see themselves as their job title and as a result can feel totally lost or misplaced outside of the working environment. Someone in a position of high authority at work can start to use the same method of authority on their family or friends. Someone in a working role of giving continuously may find themselves slipping in to the same role at home becoming the giver in all situations.

Which label are you using today? Have you thought about it? Which role in your life do you identify with the most?

Why do we feel we need labels, have you ever pondered that? What would life be like if we didn’t have labels?

Our emotions and how we respond or react to situations are dependant on the label we have given ourselves at the time of interaction. For example our response to a sentence will be different if we are talking as an Employee or a Mother. This is the same for family interactions also, we will respond differently under the various labels, Mum, Sister, Aunt etc.

So something to reflect on today …

What label are you using today?

Do you need a label?

What would your life look like without labels?

Written on February 10, 2011 by Sandy in Body Image support, What’s Really Good For You,Women’s Bodies

Once again it is time to say goodbye. During the past 20 years a few friends have left this life through suicide and other traumatic events. Some I may not have seen for a few years and some remained close by. Either way each time a friend is lost I feel my heart bleed a little.

Friends play a huge role in creating who we are, when they are gone we feel a part of ourselves go with them. They are our mirrors, our guidance and our support. Every friend I have ever had has played an important part in my life.

With each loss is also the feeling of gratitude that this person was part of my life.
Each friend is precious, each one has offered something special, each one I have learnt from.

Sometimes it is the beauty they showed while alive that I have learnt and grown from.
Sometimes, unfortunately it is the manner of their passing that has taught  me such valuable lessons.
Sometimes it has been a mixture of both.

There is always appreciation.
Appreciation that I was fortunate enough to have these friends cross my path.
Appreciation for the lessons they have taught me. 
Appreciation for life and a realisation that I have the opportunity to live mine to the fullest.

So to all my friends who have left this life I want to say I love you. I appreciate that you were in my life. Having  you in my life has helped me be the person I am today.  I promise to always remember you with love, appreciation and gratitude.

With my heart I say goodbye and Thank you xx

Article posted on Chinaexpat.com by Carolyn Vines, author of black and (A)broad: traveling beyond the limitations of identity

Identity is a slippery term that scholars, philosophers and psychologists have been grappling with for decades. When we hear the word “identity”, we know what it means but would find it difficult to answer the question who am I? To be sure, we all have an identity and all assume that we know who we are when, in reality, few of us regularly take time out to consider that all-important question.

“Our identity is construed in and by the contexts in which we live and breathe,” explains Doug Ota, expat psychologist. “Our friends and neighbors know us as a particular personality; we have track records at work and school that make our every move, gesture, and even joke somewhat predictable.  We don’t ‘know our identity’ any more than we are ‘known as’ a certain person.”

“International relocation,” Ota argues, “confronts the individual with the absence of the latter, ripping from us the context that provided witness to who we are, much as a planet would be gasping for air if its atmosphere were removed.”

It’s that space in between how we see ourselves and how we’re seen that an expatriate lifestyle shines a bright light on. If we’re lucky, we can use international relocation as an opportunity to reflect upon who we are and to ground our identity in terms more meaningful than gender, race, ethnicity, nationality, etc.

While convenient, these superficial and obvious definitions carry serious limitations. Not only do they prescribe how we behave, how we speak, what we believe and what we value in a particular cultural context, they leave little room for individual input.

Janneke Pulleman is a sparkling example of how the expatriate lifestyle challenges who we think we are. Before leaving her native Netherlands for a four-year assignment in Guangzhou, China, Pulleman had reflected little about her identity. Rather than considering who she was, she was more worried about being able to deal with the extreme heat and isolation in a culture so different than the Dutch one.

Moving away from her cultural context, she learned to see herself with different eyes.

“I thought I was an easy eater,” she reflects. “Guess what? I’m not! I was too afraid to try chicken feet, pig’s legs and other Chinese delicacies.”

Dutch culture teaches children to eat what is served to them. Even more fascinating is that it allows one or two foods that children don’t have to like! It’s no wonder that Pulleman might answer who am I? with I’m an easy eater!

Pulleman also saw herself as adventurous perhaps because Dutch culture places a high value on travel. As a result of living and working in China, she’s discovered that she’s not as adventurous as she thought she was. “Living abroad is a big adventure, but traveling a lot just to see every city is not me anymore. It’s taught me that Rotterdam is not a big city, but a small town. I’ve learned to be more patient.”

Even for those who have reflected on their identity, international relocation, especially from the West to a country like China, can shake one’s foundations. “Staying true to yourself can be a challenge when you move to a new culture. You may find yourself trying hard to fit in or you may feel misplaced and uncomfortable within your new environment,” maintains Kama Frankling, English relocation counselor now residing in Australia. Continue reading “What Is Identity and Why Is It Important for Expats? Carolyn Vines via China Expat” »

Historically, circumstances in America have forced black women into the role of Superwoman. Too many black mothers have had to assume the responsibility of fathering their children. With only one parent earning a pittance of a paycheck, too many black girls have had to fend for themselves after school while their mothers have worked one or two jobs to make ends meet. In the absence of a positive male influence, too many black girls have never learned how interact or be intimate with the opposite sex and have grown up believing they don’t need a man for anything. Their mothers have even warned them of the dangers of depending on a man for financial or emotional support.

Too many of those black mothers have raised their daughters to believe that they, too, would have to face the hardships that are part and parcel of being black in America. They’ve prepared their daughters to expect the worst from white America. In the face of unequal educational and professional opportunities and negative stereotypes, they’ve counseled their daughters to speak their minds and stand up for themselves lest they be bulldozed by the racism and discrimination that inform those injustices.

We, their daughters, have carried the torch of strength and independence. This is our birth rite, the essence of black womanhood. This is how we define ourselves; this is the cornerstone of a black woman’s identity.

What would our lives look like if we were to redefine what those words – strength and independence – meant? Here is one attempt.

Strength as Empowerment

When strength is measured from the inside, it’s called empowerment, and the most fundamental component of empowerment is choice. We must know that we have choices. We choose to be single mothers. We choose whether or not to live in debt before we make unnecessary purchases. A strong black woman is one who is empowered.

Strength as Self-Acceptance

Unfortunately, we let the politics surrounding how we style our hair define us. To begin to accept our bodies we must know that our hair does not define who we are. We buy into the stereotypes that the media and entertainment industries place on our womanhood. We don’t know our individual worth, so how can we be strong in our communities?

A strong black woman is one who regularly reminds herself that it’s her joy, intelligence, seriousness, moodiness, in addition to, her big ears, flat nose, dark skin and coarse hair that makes her beautiful and special. A strong black woman internalizes her faith in herself instead of external definitions of who she is expected to be.

Strength as Forgiveness

A lot of us continue to mad about past injustices, and the sad part is that we’re only hurting ourselves when we hang on to that anger. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t get mad when we’re discriminated against or hear stories of aggression toward our womanhood. I am saying that we have to process that anger and then let it go. We have to learn forgiveness.

The best definition of forgiveness I’ve ever heard is that it’s a lack of anger toward something or someone we feel has done us wrong. That doesn’t mean we condone the past or that we agree with it, it simply means we’ve stopped letting it have power over our present. When we speak out against injustices and inequality from a position of forgiveness, we’re much more constructive in our efforts to resolve them.

Independence as Asking for Help

No woman is an island, nor should she try to be. Unfortunately, American culture teaches us from an early age that, by the time we’re eighteen, we should be self-sufficient. We leave our parents’ home for a college campus or our own apartment, and we rarely look back. Asking our family or friends for financial help or emotional support is tantamount to admitting we’re failures. In American society, asking for help is a sign of weakness.

But asking for AND accepting help is the sign of a strong character, one that proclaims to the world that we’re aware of our limitations and are not afraid to be vulnerable. Vulnerability makes us human, it makes us real and it takes us one step further from the false, distorted image of the strong, black woman who doesn’t need anyone.

Independence as Thinking for Oneself

When we learn to discard the labels that have been placed upon our identity from the outside world, we’ve taken the first crucial step toward thinking for ourselves. Once we reject what we’re not, we’re forced down the rocky road to a definition of what – rather who – we are. There is nothing more empowering than telling the world who we are in our own terms rather than the other way around. Only then can we begin to question our long-held beliefs and values. We don’t have to discard them, but we should check in now and then to make sure they still hold sway with our self-chosen identities.

When we’re able to think for ourselves, it’s harder for others to impose their opinions, criticisms and politics on us, and that is empowering.

Strength and independence can be a mighty collective marker of identity among black women, but only if we reclaim the words and redefine them on our own terms.

Carolyn Vines is the author of the newly released memoir black and (A)broad: traveling beyond the limitations of identity. It can be purchased online at Amazon.com   Amazon.co.uk  or  Barnes & Noble by clicking on the respective link below.

Amazon

Amazon UK 

Barnes & Noble